Colonialism and Hypocrisy in the English Media

I've leapt straight for the big guns today. Three days of domination by the English (that being the team and their godforesaken weather) left me subdued and disappointed. However Dan the Man's antics, coupled with a fierce display by the BC's on Day Four has fuelled my desire to strike at the heart of the English media facade that has been their coverage of this test series.

The media building up to this series have been generally apathetic towards the threat posed by our boys in black, and to be honest, this seemed largely justified. However, some of the coverage, in what I see as a blatant attempt to generate some reader interest has overstepped the mark.

This article is insulting to not only the New Zealand team, but our system of cricket, our love of the Big OE, and indeed it seems our entire history of race relations. It verges on saying that the only reason we don't see more players like Ross Taylor succeeding is because of institutional racism (oh sorry New Zealand's integration policies) in the set up of New Zealand cricket. This in turn has led to us producing a stable of crap, white, top order batsmen. Scyld Berry reeks of colonial English arrogance, and has probably only ventured further than the front gate of his parent's custodial residence in the English countryside to sit next to the Fishheads in the member's stand at Lords. I do agree the stats do not sit favourably behind the New Zealand top order, however to stoop as low as to insinuate it is because we deliberately haven't been selecting players of Pacific Island or Maori descent is racist, elitist and begging for hiding.

This article on the other hand is by a man who should know better. Athers is probably one of the most knowledgeable men calling the game in England, and a voice I'd rather hear over the sycophantic egocentrics of the Channel 9 team any day of the week. I do agree with Athers to a large extent, the decision of Dan the Man and his cohorts to show up late smacked of selfishness, and was not very captain-like. However, who can blame them. Dan, while in the top tier of the NZC pay bracket, doesn't have the same security of the county cricket pay-for-crap-play-system that the lines the money belts of Vaughan and Co. While KP is lambasted by the English Press for moaning about missing out, there is a fair sense of who can blame them about the NZ media's repsonse. Financial security is not what New Zealander's don the Black Cap for, and while the situation is regrettable, not only was it sanctioned by the New Zealand board, but if the English took our tour a little more seriously (i.e. scheduling games for the actual summer in England instead of early spring) it could have been avoided. It is easy for Athers to criticise when the ECB took the decision out of the player's hands, when the English captain is so spectacularly crap at Twenty20, and most players donning the three lions don't have to worry about where their next dollar is coming from should they fall from selectorial favour. Put it this way, if Michael Vaughan had been offered $500,000 and ECB approval to swap with Dan I'd like to see if he thought twice.

I don't like the IPL, I don't like the way money is corrupting the modern game, but I still recognise the vast means gap between perennial battlers like the BC's and the financial powers of the modern game. So I'm sorry Athers, I don't agree with you.

As for you Scyld, haven't you got some cocktail party for the Tory's to attend? Piss off.

Cricket on Prozac.....1st Test Preview

So the Black Caps have survived the Lion's den and now face a true grilling in front of the Egg and Bacon brigade at Lords starting Thursday. There are several positives to come from the drawn game against the Lion's, none more so than seeing our team emerge with our collective limbs largely intact. Keeping up the traditions of all good New Zealand cricket touring sides the opening exchanges of the tour have provided a good opportunity for our players to spend some quality time in the Emergency ward. Dan the Man, Iain O'Brien, and my brother's mate have all spent time sifting through the first aid kit, and the tour is barely 3 weeks old.

Moving on, it was encouraging to see Aaron Redmond amongst the runs, disconcerting to see Jeets amongst the wickets, frustrating to watch B-Mac once again let his guns get the better of him, and downright predictable that the rest of top order largely failed. Especially worrying is the form of Ross Taylor, who wasn't exactly in the runs over in the bright lights of the IPL. The bowling was largely anodyne, but hopefully with Millsy's knee taped back together, and if the sticking plaster can hold Dan the Man's finger they can inject a bit of verve into proceedings.

In other news....Flintoff has ruled himself out with a suspicious side strain, and Shrek has rolled over and found himself in the England dressing room again. The English have a strong side heading into this first test, the nucleus of which should be pushing for Ashes spots in 2009. New Zealand's hopes rest on ripping England out for not very many, and then building a strong score to defend. It isn't rocket science, but successful New Zealand cricket strategies rarely are (okay okay the Australian tour in 2001/2002 exempted).

Paddles has been spending his time away from the selection panel wisely by bagging our top order, the same top order that he picked don't forget . He's backing Sidebottom to take a packet of wickets in the early season conditions and land us on our proverbial passion cushions. Again, not rocket science, but neither very helpful when the combined mental strength of the New Zealand top order can be compared to a carrot stick. Good one Paddles.

Finally, my team for the 1st Test at Lords: Aaron Redmond, Jamie How, James Marshall, Ross Taylor, Daniel Flynn, Brendon McCullum, Jacob Oram, Daniel Vettori, Kyle Mills, Tim Southee, Chris Martin, Michael Mason (12th Man). Very obvious, very green, and very hopeful.

Gods speed Gentlemen.

Into the Lion's Den

Braces and Co have named a virtual test strength lineup for our final warm up match v England A (oh sorry I mean the Lions....grrr baby very grrr) at the Rose Bowl.

I love the way the ECB feel the need to masculinise their A team, its just a shame Daniel can't be leading our boys into the Lion's den, wouldn't that just be the best religious pun?

Anyway, with Kyle Mills rested due to the Black Caps management only having a limited amount of sticking plasters to last the entire tour, and Dan the Man suffering from Murphy's law following him around with a chainsaw we can assume that this side hints at the selectors thoughts for the first test line up.

Despite the warm weather its good to see this fascination with including b-grade indoor cricketers in the Black Caps has not raised its ugly head again. By this I mean the continuous selection of everyone's favourite backyard cricketer Jeetan Patel. Aaron Redmond by all accounts is a handy legspin bowler, and his batting brings so many more options to the table. I would go as far to say right here and now that the closest Jeets should get to game time this tour will be from behind the wheel of the drinks cart, or if the connecting flight to London somehow gets diverted to Bangalore.

It's sad to see Peter Fulton not given a final chance to prove himself, the only way he'll get himself into a semblance of form is by using that piece of wood he hits red things with in a game. The inclusion of my hometown hero seems to hint that he will get a test debut at Lords, or at least Cricinfo think so. I don't think so. Too little experience. Unless he lathers himself up and has a nice run bath in the Rose Bowl I don't think he should be seriously considered as a middle order option.

Worrying to hear that my brother's mate Tim Southee is suffering from Bond problems, I mean back problems. I hope it's just a case of shitty-English-weather-itis and he's allowed plenty of time to rest.

As a final thought, I think I speak for every BC fan out there when I dream of the NZ top order coating themselves in runs and wrapping up an innings victory in this final warm game. Please?

Haha, what did I put in my coffee this morning.

Sleeping with the Black Caps

Cricket is like porn to me, I have an insatiable appetite for which there is no end. So naturally most of my bandwidth is dominated with cricket videos (particularly from google video, neglected by the net nazis at work) cricket blogs, and of course, the holy grail for cricketing trainspotters (cricinfo). I have recently discovered the brilliant wit (albeit Australian) of Cricket With Balls. It's on the blog roll, so make sure you check it out.

Anyway, I've been distracted, the true purpose of this post was to debate what it would be like to sleep with a Black Cap (hypothetically of course):

If they were a male lover: Underrated, with a quiet librarian charm, underneath which lay a second layer of librarian charm, but underneath THAT lies some good all-round skills. Doesn't talk the talk as much as some would have like though, and has a tendency to collapse at the same point too early in every innings. Rarely good for more than one-dayers / day-nighters.

And if they were female: a shy bookkeeper you've seen a few times. Not the most attractive girl, but more than makes up for it with her performances on the pitch. Plays above herself almost every time she takes the field. Wildly inventive and proves yet again looks can be deceiving. Not a world cup winner, but you know you’ll get a few good wins out of her.

Touring the Motherland

As I write, the boys are taking their first tentative steps on what some media have called a hiding to nothing, a tour of the Motherland in May. Green seamers, grey skies, warm beer and long sleeved sweaters - all things normally associated with a early season tour of England. Certainly not ideal for a team rebuilding after several high profile departures. But the cold temperatures almost justify a few extra pies for Jesse Ryder.

I would compare this phase facing Dan and his band of merry men to the situation of Martin Crowe in 1990 as he had to rope together a side of b-grade first class cricketers to tour the foreign fields of Pakistan. A combination of the financial security offered by hit and giggle (IPL/ICL) and an authoritarian management regime has led to a large number of high profile retirements and departures, hastening the beginning of a new age in New Zealand Cricket. The Fleming Years are behind us as Dan the Man leads a fresh batch of troops into the breach.

Touring maketh the man, therefore I would go as far to say that this tour is going to define both the brand of cricket New Zealand wants to play post-Flem, and the players to take us there. I'm
excited actually, and will be avidly following the lads from behind my law textbooks through another freezing Wellington winter.

My players to watch:

Chris Not so sMartin: The nearly man of New Zealand cricket. Bowls at a good clip, swings it like a 70's disco, but just can't quite crack the top level. Early season English conditions will suit him, so if he doesn't get a packet of wickets I'd start looking elsewhere if I was Braces & Co. Needs to step up and lead. Fullstop

Dan the Man Vettori: His captaincy will be tested, but in reality he has it no harder than Crowey or Flem had it when they started out. Needs to do all the cliches, be positive, lead from the front, read Harry Potter.... This tour will define the brand of Captain he wants to be. If he comes out intact he will be far stronger for it. With Dan in charge of the BC's expect library memberships over our fair land to double. Bookish nerdiness has never been so hot...

James the other Marshall: Far better player than his international record suggests. Needs to get runs and secure a middle order spot, bowls useful medium pace at the WIS in Newtown as well. His energy in the field has been missed, and New Zealand has suffered for it with our fielding standards stagnating of late.

Jamie and How: Goes out with my girlfriend's cousin, so could be family one day. Suddenly being heralded as New Zealand's batting great white hope. Has yet to get the runs to justify such a title. New Zealand's best hope for a hundred at Lords.

Daniel my local hero Flynn: Gotta plug my hometown hero. Great to see him in the side, a natural talent, who, if given a few years could be a middle order stalwart for New Zealand. Would be nice to see him get a test match, but even being around the side for the tour will be good for him. One for the future.

As for the rest of Dan's Motley Crue, as is always the case with New Zealand sides, the strength of the team will define its success. My predictions? 2-0 to England in the tests, and New Zealand to take the ODI's. But it will all be alot closer than people suspect.

Good luck and god speed men.

Back on the Edge

After much popular demand, ok some inquiries, ok ok, one lonely email it has been decided by the powers that be to breath life into this veritable powderkeg of the cricket blog writing world. Much has occurred in the time I've been on hiatus, so I'm going to put together a quick highlights package for the benefit of those living under a rock in recent times (or in Stokes Valley - Raccoon I'm looking at you):

India act like a bunch of spoilt monkeys: The veritable Watergate of the cricketing world. This saga has had it all, sex, money, and power. Ok, maybe not so much sex, but I did read a piece on the bachelorhood of Ishant Sharma in the Australian papers… Monkeygate (as I've ever so wittingly described it) has torn a festering scab off the modern game and revealed for all to see what really runs it. Key points to come out of Monkeygate include.....

Ultra competitiveness has bastardised the modern game: Australia may be the best team and the world, but whatever happened to the gentleman's game? Or has modern technology simply exacerbated the problem.

Hawkeye for the straight guy: Sorry I forgot that Umpires were human, 30 seconds listening to messrs Lawry and Co. and you'd think they were supposed faultless decision making machines. I'm sick of it. If umpiring mistakes mattered we would never have beaten the Windies in 1980, the Australians never would have won a game before neutral umpires, and a tour to the subcontinent wouldn't have lasted 10 overs before teams were on the plane home in protest.

The ICC are about as good as the UN: Sure they look and sound like an international body, but whoever holds the TV rights is where the powers at. Just ask India. Were the lowering of the charges against Harbhajan to do with lack of evidence? Or more the fact that the BCCI had charted a plane to take the whole team (and about $80 million in revenue) home if his charges were upheld?

.........and to continue the Stuck Record - Black Caps and England: With 19 consecutive international fixtures against the same opposition coming up Andrew Strauss could fast become more of an institution on our screens than ol' Johnny Campbell.

The Black Caps finally win....against a teenage swim team: 5 of the most one sided games in recent cricket history....well at least since the last time the Banglas were on a cricket field. A joke of tour to match a joke of a Black Caps top order. Watching Sinclair provide slip catching practice, and work on his crease dancing skills was almost comical. Two words - we're fucked. Why the swim team barb? Well the bloody country's underwater most of the rain season.

The bona fide blaster lays down his weapons: Gilly retires. Bowlers can breath a sigh of relief, Australian spinners can actually contemplate a stumping, and Punter Ponting won't have to worry about any of his team actually having a conscience anymore. Game changingly great batsman who made Parore look like a great glovesman.

The Centre moves dooooowntown: End of an Era in Newtown. All in favour of that hip new sport, 10 pin bowling. Porky gives it 9 months, I give it 5. As for the new centre, a bona fide shooting gallery. But at least the Powerade's cold. Porky gives it 6 months, I give it a few more weeks.

Bondy sells out, and Styris retires to farm pigs: Disgusted. Full stop. "Security" "Raising a young family" words being thrown about. We all know it doesn't take $800,000 to raise a young family, for god sake the man considered a career in the police! Even if the kid is a little gold digger. As for Piggo, fuck, he was ugly as Corky with hair but still, at least he got runs when it mattered. And he had a hot ass missus. The mere thought of Mills and Marty bowling to KP 19 times in row is making me yearn for the foetal position.

Depression and Destruction

It's been my first post in a wee while. Time, my new girlfriend, my new job, and actual time out in the middle have all conspired against me. However, the recent disintegration on the High Veldt has inspired me to pick the quill and parchment and spill a little vitriolic ink. Last night's second consecutive innings defeat at the hands of the Protea's would have other countries screaming the end is nigh, not a New Zealand cricket fan. The way in which our bowling attack seems to spend more time in the hospital bed than in the middle would have some fans crying about their luck, but not a New Zealand cricket fan. It seems that failure in cricket is such an inevitable occurence in the psyche of a New Zealand cricket fan that such horrific occurences (that being innings defeats and the inevitable injury of our bowling spearhead) are but the signs on the bumpy road that is our plight. Victories, held to be so few and far between, are met with unbridled elation, or sceptical dismissal. Suckers for punishment we are, we have become so used to life going on after another horrifc dismemberment on a foreign pitch that bottling the pain seems second nature. Oh to be Australian.

As for the cricket itself, Dan the Man has every right to express his disgust. The lack of test cricket we've played in the last 12 months (8 tests compared to SAffer's 19) has been the key to our horrific downfall. That and a frightfully poor buildup. Why couldn't have we arranged a few games v. a New Zealand B side before even hitting the High Veldt? Our bowling attack, amongst the wickets in the poor quality conditions provided for warm up matches, were rightfully exposed on two quality test match decks by their quality test match batsmen. And our batting, lord our batting, no runs either in the warm ups, nor in the tests. Our boys looked horribly out of nick and were exposed by a polished, practiced, South African side fresh from dispatching the Paki's AWAY from home.

My call? It may be too late to draft Skippy Sinclair into the ranks, the horse may have bolted, but at least give the guy another go. Drop Michael Papps, open with Jamie How or Flem and get them all as quickly as possible back into domestic cricket. As for our bowlers, the same dosage. Chris Martin and Mark Gillepsie didn't look too out of their depth, I like the fact we have two guy consistently bowling upwards of 135 kph in the lineup. However Iain O'Brien should be sent back to get some rhythm and Dan Vettori to counselling for the mauling he took physically and mentally. Poor Bugger, reminds me of Crowe's first tour of duty to Pakistan in 1990. An equally horrific affair at the hands of the two W's.

Oh well, I'm off to work now with the sole aim of avoiding any further discussion of last night's unmentionables.

At least the Lankan's are getting mauled as well.